well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
