just survived the first fart of the relationship.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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