i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
what day is it and did you see me today?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
