Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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