using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Text me some of your sweat
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
