wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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