Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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