I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im six kinds of drunk right now
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
