If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
