So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
