so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My vagina just clenched in fear
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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