so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
