We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
