Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
