i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
