im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
