I need help removing her.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
