apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
