Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
