I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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