My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
