at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
