i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
