If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
