I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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