dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
