I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Life is so much better after having sex.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
