the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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