Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
