Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
