I don't usually arrange sex via text message
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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