hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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