do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
