Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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