I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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