I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
