This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
