and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
