i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
