STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
