you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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