Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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