So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
