i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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