**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
