I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
