i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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