Define "chronic" masturbator.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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