hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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