Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
