see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I will pee on everything he values.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
