The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
