I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
