i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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