I can't breathe out the right side of my face
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
